I want to make a fist and stamp my feet and yell and scream--sob, wail, gnash my teeth and rent my clothes! I want to curl into a ball and pout. I want winter nights and starry skies. I want to drive up the canyon until I am visible to none but the wilderness and the creator. I want to hide. I want to run away. I want what I have always wanted--- a firm embrace that will last until I stop feeling this way.
This quote from Hook comes to mind: "I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, now, Now, NOW!" Isn't that what I sound like? A whiny twit? Or worse, Veruca Salt, who says things like "you're always making things difficult," or "I want one, don't you dare stop me..." The worst of it is that I know that all these thoughts can get me is a haunting mental mirror that will blind me to the people I am sent to aid, blind me to the truths I am sent to learn, a mirror that will reflect only self pity, selfishness, and misery.WHY am I having a hard time with this? I shouldn't. It's a no brainer. I know I'm supposed to go, and I'm going. I've made up my mind, so why don't I just enjoy it? Is it perhaps because I've discovered as much as I could over the last year and there are few surprises left to hope for, or because every day I discover more reasons not to go? Is this a self-defeatest attitude, or am I becoming getting lack-luster with life? Is it a lack of faith? Why do I bother to question this? I'm going to Jerusalem! I should be excited out of my skull the way I was three weeks ago. I should be itching to get onto that plane!
I know why I'm going... I think. No, I don't. All I know is that it's important. I know I will get a lot out of it, and I know that the benefits outweigh the risks and the sacrifice. I believe it is important, and I'm going. In any case,
Without hesitation or reservation I know where I will be on September fourth: enroute to the Holy Land. Nothing will prevent my obedience. But what I want most of all is not to obey, but to want to obey.
Looking at my track record, I know that I don't do things until I want to; whether I want to do something for sheer enjoyment or because a deadline is approaching and I held off until I feared the alternative. I only do things if I want to. Sad, but true. What surprised me is that I have the mental ability to make the things I should do into the things I find enticing. I can make myself want to do this... especially because for a months before now Jerusalem was all I could think about, all I could study. I can change my desires.
All I have to do is make "my will His," and I will--for it is my desire not to obey, but to want to obey. Besides, after all, "it is better to obey than sacrifice." (1 Sam 15:22) Pray that I can let my heart be changed, and that I will realize my obstinance hinders the growth I am ought to have.
(P.S. "Ought to have" sounds a little cryptic, but I can't decide whether it's improper grammar or not. Somebody make a comment and give me their opinion... Blasted summer heat is scorching my brains.)
P.P.S. I've never liked daisies, but they're the only flower you see people saying "he loves me, he loves me not" with--- so I used one, even though I've never liked them. : P
1 comment:
"I love daisies. They're so friendly. Don't you think daisies are the friendliest flower?"
-- Kathleen Kelly
"Ought" sounds just right. I find your blog delightful. You simply voice what we all struggle with throughout mortality--"my will vs. His will" The struggle gets a bit easier with age. By the time you're 40, like I am, you've endured enough "my will" victories that you stop fighting "His will" so much--much less hassle involved. My mother is 60 and still deals with "my will" moments. My grandmother will be 85 next week. She eats lots of chocolate and sits in a comfy little chair all day. Without the gospel in her life, she has no idea what this "His will" thing is all about and does not hesitate to to say so.
If I were rich, I'd drop money from the sky and save you all the struggle. If I were rich, I'd do all sorts of things such as paying the dinner tab for the table of teenage prom-goers at Bombay House last spring because all the girls were dressed modestly. Someday I'm going to follow through on that impulse.
Have a good week! When you're back from Jerusalem I'm sure we'll have an ANES class together or be at the same forum. I'll introduce myself. Meanwhile just pray that if you're not supposed to go to Jerusalem, the way will be blocked. I did that on our last home purchase and it worked out quite nicely. We ended up in a great house with great neighbors and friends. Life is good when we are. :)
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