Funny. When I first looked in the mirror today I noticed that my bottom eye-lid was red. Not puffy either--just red. Four girls at the center asked me if I put eye shadow under my eye today. Um, no. Why would I do that? I ask you. Maybe because it matches my recently extra pallor-ful countenance? Sheesh. So despite the fact that I had a fever when I went to bed and got no sleep last night, and despite the fact that I woke up shivering and shaking...but still with a fever (despite the two wool blankets on my bed,) and despite the fact that I have to move slowly and am weaker than a canary living in the coal mines, my cough is nearly gone! Yaaaaay! (And despite the fact that I missed my two classes this morning, I aced my Hebrew final this afternoon.) Huh. (Sadly to say, that isn't anything special. It was cinchy.) But hardly any coughing! And nearly no congestion! Yeah! I'm winning this thing, baby. Whoo!
Funny. Two of the guys I've previously dated are now engaged. And two of my friends from high school are now too. One party from the first part is actually engaged to a party of the second part. Go figure. That's great for them, yes? Yes. Wow.
Funny. I've dropped my World Dance minor, but I'm still scheduled for 4 dance classes Winter semester. Does this make sense? Well, if you know me I guess it does. The "rules" of schooling and which classes are for whom have always been off policy for me. By that I mean that I take pride in coloring outside those lines. Ah well. So far I'm registered for:
Readings in Ancient Near Eastern Texts, to 330 BC
Writings of Isaiah
Pearl of Great Price
Historian's Craft
Economy 110
Folk Dance Team
Hungarian Dance
Social Dance
...and tap. (if I can still squeeze it in.)
Trust me, I'm expecting something on this list to give. My schedule seems to fluctuate no matter what I do to make it stick.
No fair, I just found out President Monson is speaking at the BYU devotional tomorrow and I'm not going to be able to see it. Until it's online, anyway. I really was looking forward to seeing him in person again. Funny--that's the third apostle to speak at BYU fall semester. That's higher than the average. Wonder why that is.
Funny how no matter where I go I seem to face the same trials and challenges. This either a) means I'm not listening or paying attention to the things I should have learned, or b) verifies my theory that no matter what situation you're in and no matter where you are and what you're exposed to God will arrange the situation so that you learn exactly what he wants you to learn at that point in time. That's been my experience anyway. It could just be me then.
Funny. I've grown increasingly sure of myself and familiar with who I am and what I am prone to do. I know so much about myself. I know what motivates me and what repels me. I know why I do (most of) what I do. I know what colors look good on me. I know how I am likely to react in a given situation, and I know how I'll react to certain types of people. Usually. There are always wild cards and unknowns. I know my limitations. I know which foibles I have that limit my potential and limit my mind. I know enough about myself to know that I often have a big mouth. I know that I need to learn to govern myself with greater control. I need to teach myself to always put first things first, because I know that I wont do it otherwise. Funny how even with knowing myself better, especially knowing my faults, I continue to grow more and more confident and nonchalant. I stress less. That's great, I suppose. Good for my blood pressure anyway (which has always been extremely low, so I don't know what I care about it. Oh yeah, because my family has a history of heart disease. Ha ha...that's why.) Funny though (I promise I'm getting to the point,) that everyone today encourages confidence--we all need to be more confident, they say--and all this gained confdence has given me is more trouble.
The more confident I am the more comfotable I feel around people. The more comfortable I feel the more I open my big mouth. And the more I talk... the less people want to be around me. Seems like Rachel needs to learn a few lessons in un-confidence. Or at least needs to learn to go through one WHOLE DAY without saying a word. Hahaha. Perhaps I'll behave like Sir Ulrich Von Leichtenstein (from Gelderland,) and spend a year in silence just to better understand the sound of a whisper.
Yeah, that'd do it.
--R.
P.S. Funny how I write crap like this and still expect my family to read it. Hahaha.
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Will we find you next in Italy saving a young woman from the ravages of her lunatic Uncle. (at least I think that's how it goes)
I give you Rachel - the seeker of serenity.
So here's what I have to say......I understand you are having a bit of trouble fitting in with everyone. At least that is how it sounds to me when you describe saying too much, etc. So, here is my advice. I know this is the first time that you have lived away from home, and the first time you have had roommates, and the first time you have lived amongst others of your own age and so i will remind you.....not everyone is like everyone else. There are cliques (As I am sure you know) of people who like and do the same things. If you don't want to be part of that group - and your likes and dislikes are totally different from theirs, then you should be just fine with what you are doing. But, and I say this with all the hindsight I have gained. Try to be open minded. You are so young to be set in your ways. I know you know a lot about yourself, but do you also know that so much of yourself changes during these years of your life. College time is a time to see what other people are doing and to decide what things you might like too. There are so many options and choices for things to like, do and be in the world and there are so many different ways of looking at things. Your way is one way and it is a fine way. But if you can instead of trying just to keep your mouth shut, maybe just set out to be an observer instead. People watching can teach you a lot about people but it can also help you to change and become exactly what you would like to be. It can also solidify some of the things that you already are.
I guess my main point is that I really think that you are shutting yourself off from things that are different and foreign to you. My entire list of music that I liked changed when I lived away from home. The type of people I hung out with changed. The type of people I dated really changed. The types of activities that I never even knew about or thought would be fun I did and was exposed to and the very person I am today is all due to the experiences that I let myself be open to and the people that I became friends with. Not all people are going to be great and some are just downright silly and annoying but Rachel, don't close yourself off so early in your life. I am glad you can take such great inventory of yourself at such an early age, but don't let that distance you from others, and don't let that dictate how you will always be. Living life is all about changing and adapting. Just watch those around you and see what kinds of traits you really like and might want to develop in yourself., Find people who you admire and watch them to see how they interact and learn from them just by watching. If you see qualities in others that you admire, you will grow to love them more. Look for the good and then try to be good and make yourself that good.
I love you and I am so excited to hear all of your adventures. Please know that I think about you daily and that I know things are hard - especially when sometimes the people you live with aren't the most fun - but it truly is all a matter of attitude.
One thing I know for sure. Things never stop changing, all we can do is figure out how to enjoy the journey!
Love you Rachel!
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